探索：现代“剩男”心理困境

身边三十岁左右的女单总是感叹，找不到可以放心把自己“交”出去的男人。何故？周围的男单不是太小，就是太大。前者是“80后”，后者是“60后”。

如果说二十多岁的男孩是因为稚嫩让女人感觉不安全的话，那么一个四十岁左右的单身男人，则仿佛一栋闲置太久的老房子——昏暗的灯光、混乱的摆设、盘根错节的蜘蛛网以及年久失修的房梁，会让女单情不自禁地产生可能身陷“黑洞”的畏惧感。这就是大龄婚恋市场的现实。

当“剩女”们已经解放思想、学会独自享受精彩时，四十“剩男”正因为社会、父母和同事的压力，处于一种前所未有的婚姻焦虑中，成为地地道道的“结婚狂”。“曾经我视婚姻如粪土，如今婚姻视我如粪土。”这就是很多四十钻石王老五的真实心态。当他们把目光集中在二十几岁的年轻mm身上、对三十多岁的大龄女单不屑一顾时，却不知道，自己早已成为婚姻市场的老古董。

男人是怎样错过“结婚花季”的？大多数是因为盲目乐观。他盲目地相信“男人四十一朵花”，越老越值钱。正是这种自信，使他总觉得眼前的女人还不够好。他或者快乐地享受身边的爱情，或者逍遥地过着单身生活，一边暗自等待风情万种同时贤惠万分的女人出现，哪怕世上根本就没有这种女人。

越是少年得志、被女人过度追逐的男人，越容易患上爱情盲目自大症。男人的爱情原动力是“性”，而不是“情”。在理性的驱使下，男人对爱情的理解可能长期停留在性的层面上，而对情视而不见。尤其是当男人拥有较好的经济条件时，他便有相当多的机会挥霍美女提供的昂贵但低质的“爱情”。但性则不然，它是男人与生俱来的。

所以，过度沉迷于性的男人，会比沉迷于爱情的女人更会迷失自我。男人一旦浪漫起来，会胜女人百倍。在这种时候，“爱情”已成为男人的毒药。另一种极端情况是，有些大龄男青年在走到“不惑”之龄时，居然没有任何情爱经验，因而也就不知生活为何物。男人一旦对爱情反应过于羞涩或迟钝，或者性欲不够旺盛，则有可能把工作或事业当“情人”。久而久之，女人和生活便成为他人生的空白。

人是一种很奇怪的动物，自己的经历越丰富，思想越复杂，就越希望对方单纯，而事实上单纯的女人已很难进入大龄男人的视野。他的防御心态也越来越重。有钱的怕女人爱他的钱，没钱的怕女人笑他没钱。大龄男单就是这样，一点一点地滑入自己编织的心理陷阱。男人如果过了三十五岁还没有女朋友，会逐渐习惯一种无性生活。尤其当他与父母家人生活在一起、衣食起居有人照顾时，这种危险更大。

按照“用进废退”理论，单身男人过了三十五岁，性能力会逐渐退化，他对女人越来越没感觉。他越来越不需要女人，也越来越难以征服女人。而长期与女人停留在性爱关系而不能进入到生活层面的男人，好比断线的风筝，会漫无目的在天空飘荡，当他饱经风雨、轰然坠地时，已然是千疮百孔。

如果说男人年轻时错过婚姻是因为过度自信的话，那么后来则是因为缺乏安全感，或者说是一种内心深处的自卑感。男人在费尽移山心力让自己丰衣足食后，才会发现，这个世界上最有价值的东西其实不是金钱，而是一去不复返的青春和健康的身心。他要经历很长时间才会意识到：女人固然看重男人的财富，但更看重的是男人财富背后的雄性魅力。当男人得意地消费女人的爱情时，表面上他挥霍的是金钱，实质却是最昂贵的青春。

所以大龄男单的困境在于：在他有能力得到真诚爱情时，他轻视女人和婚姻；当他不得不走进婚姻时，他与女人已难以相互信任。一个大龄男单最终能否获得幸福，关键不在于他拥有多少财富，而在于他曾经沧海之后，还能否真诚而又客观地看待女人，既包括她的爱情信仰和牺牲精神，也包括她的安全感和虚荣心。当然最重要的一点是，他那颗无比自信（或自卑）的灵魂，还能否以一种开放的心态，去迎接人生的晚春。

Women’s singles around the age of thirty always sigh, and can’t find a man who can safely “hand over” himself. Why? The men’s singles around are either too small or too big. The former is “post-80s” and the latter is “post-60s”.

If a boy in his twenties is because of the innocence that makes a woman feel insecure, then a single man in his forties is like an old house that has been idle for too long-dim lights, chaotic furnishings, intricate Spider webs and long-lost house beams can make women singles feel a sense of fear that they may fall into a “black hole.” This is the reality of the older marriage and love market.

When the “leftover women” have emancipated their minds and learned to enjoy the splendor alone, the forty “leftover men” are in an unprecedented marriage anxiety because of the pressure of society, parents and colleagues, and become an out-and-out “marriage maniac.” “Once I regarded marriage as dung, now marriage treats me as dung.” This is the true mentality of many forty diamond kings and five. When they focused their attention on the young mm in their twenties and dismissed the singles in their thirties, they did not know that they had already become an old antique in the marriage market.

How did men miss the “wedding flower season”? Mostly because of blind optimism. He blindly believed in “Forty-one Flowers for Men”, the older the more valuable. It was this confidence that made him always feel that the woman in front of him was not good enough. He either happily enjoys the love around him, or leads a single life freely, while secretly waiting for the appearance of a woman with all kinds of styles and virtue, even if there is no such woman in the world.

The more men who are young and over chased by women, the more susceptible they are to love blind arrogance. The motivation for men’s love is “sex”, not “love”. Driven by reason, men’s understanding of love may stay on the level of sex for a long time, but ignore the emotion. Especially when a man has better economic conditions, he has a considerable chance to squander the expensive but low-quality “love” provided by the beauty. But sex is not, it is a man born.

Therefore, men who are too addicted to sex will lose themselves more than women who are addicted to love. Once a man is romantic, he will be a hundred times better than a woman. At this time, “love” has become a man’s poison. Another extreme case is that some older men and young people do not have any love experience when they reach the age of “not confusing”, so they do not know what life is like. Once a man’s reaction to love is too shy or slow, or his sexual desire is not strong enough, he may regard his job or career as a “lover.” Over time, women and life became blank in his life.

Man is a very strange animal. The richer his experience and the more complicated his thoughts, the more he wants the other party to be simple. In fact, the simple woman has been difficult to enter the vision of older men. His defensive mentality is also getting heavier. The rich are afraid that the woman loves his money, and the poor are afraid that the woman laughs that he has no money. This is the case for older men’s singles, slipping into the psychological trap weaving little by little. If a man is over thirty-five and has no girlfriend, he will gradually get used to an asexual life. Especially when he lives with his parents and family, and takes care of food and clothing, this danger is even greater.

According to the theory of “use advancement and waste retreat”, single men over thirty-five years old will gradually degrade their sexual ability, and he feels less and less towards women. He needs more and more women, and it is increasingly difficult to conquer women. A man who stays in a sexual relationship with a woman for a long time and cannot enter the level of life, like a broken kite, will float aimlessly in the sky. When he has been through the wind and rain and crashed to the ground, it is already full of holes.

If a man missed his marriage when he was young because of overconfidence, then later it is because of a lack of security, or a deep sense of inferiority. After men have tried their best to make themselves rich, they will find that the most valuable thing in the world is not money, but youth and healthy body and soul that are gone forever. It will take him a long time to realize that women certainly value men’s wealth, but more about the male charm behind men’s wealth. When a man consumes a woman’s love with pride, what he spends on the surface is money, but in fact it is the most expensive youth.

So the predicament of older men’s singles is that when he has the ability to get a sincere love, he despise women and marriage; when he has to walk into marriage, he and women can no longer trust each other. The key to the ultimate happiness of an older men’s single is not how much wealth he has, but whether he can treat the woman sincerely and objectively, including her love belief and sacrifice spirit, as well as her safety Sense and vanity. Of course, the most important point is whether his extremely confident (or inferiority) soul can greet the late spring of life with an open mind.

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